I Keep Telling You Theta! Hating Rassilon Gives Me Life!
by The Gypsy Alchemist
Summary: In which a lifelong Whovian dies and is reborn as Koschei aka The Master. OC-Insert. Cross-Posted on AO3
1. The Keikaku is a Lie!

"Next!"

The Untempered Schism. The place that every eight year old child that wants to join the academy is subjected to. When looked into, they either get inspired or they run.

"Next!"

Anyone that watches Doctor Who should know the story about how The Master went mad. How he became an insane megalomaniac.

"Next!"

This is not that story.

"Next!"

**BA-DA-DA-DUM!**

_**"YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!**_ **EXTERMINATE!**_**EXTERMINATE!"**_

_**"Run you clever boy, and remember."**_

_**"Regeneration number 13, we're breaking some serious science here boys!"**_

_**"Never be cruel, never be cowardly and never, ever eat pears."**_

**BA-DA-DA-DUM!**

_**"Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow!"**_

_**"YOU WILL BE DELETED! DELETE! DELETE!"**_

_**"Would you like a jelly baby?"**_

_**"Missy, short for Mistress. Well I couldn't keep calling myself The Master now could I."**_

**BA-DA-DA-DUM!**

_**"The darkness only holds one thing, the end of time itself."**_

_**"Time Lord Victorious!"**_

_**"It's bigger on the inside!"**_

_**"Unlimited power! Unlimited rice pudding!"**_

**BA-DA-DA-DUM!**

_**"Oh, my beautiful Ghost Monument!"**_

_**"Fantastic!"**_

_**"Gallifrey falls no more."**_

_**"I made it up from the initials. Time and Relative Dimension in Space."**_

**BA-DA-DA-DUM!**

_**"GO BEYOND, PLUS ULTRAAA!"**_

_**"I GONNA BE KING OF THE PIRATES!"**_

_**"KAMEHAMEHAAAA!"**_

_**"IT'S TIME TO DUEL!"**_

**BA-DA-DA-DUM!**

_**"REALITY IS AN ILLUSION! THE UNIVERSE IS A HOLOGRAM! BUY GOLD! BYE!"**_

_**"When you bring me out, can you introduce me as Joker?"**_

_**"I'm Conan, Edogawa Conan!"**_

_**"So long, Ferret Face."**_

**BA-DA-DA-DUM!**

_**"COWS CAN'T BASE CUT ACCIDENTS!"**_

_**"Wanna have a Doctor Who marathon this weekend?"**_

_**"Gradually watermelon~"**_

_**"I seriously don't get the massive hate of series 11. I loved every single episode..."**_**CRASH!**

**BA-DA-DA-DUM! BA-DA-DA-DUM! BA-DA-DA-DUM! BA-DA-DA-DUM!**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH"

This is the story of how Rassilon became #1 on The Master's shitlist.


	2. Can I have a Moment?

**Ba-Da-Da-Dum!**

_'Theta left me! He fucking took Sexy and Susan to run the fuck away and he didn't even fucking invite me to come with him!'_

**Ba-Da-Da-Dum!**

_'That absolute moron! He should've known I would've come with him! If I knew when exactly he was leaving I would've joined his going away shindig.'_

**Ba-Da-Da-Dum!**

_'I fucking hate knowing what's going to happen but not knowing when exactly.'_

**Ba-Da-Da-Dum!**

"Koschei?"

Koschei put his head out of his hands to look at the one to give him the news of Theta leaving Gallifrey. Someone who he tracked down decades ago to becomes friends with, Echo Clara.

**Ba-Da-Da-Dum!**

She was giving him a worried look at his reaction. Ever since he told them about the drums existance, it has become a very common look from her and Theta.

**Ba-Da-Da-Dum!**

_'Well then, time for Plan B then.'_

"We're going after them."

**Ba-Da-Da-Dum!**

"What!? We are!?"

Clara's confused exclamation followed by her trying to keep up with his sudden, purposeful strides to the Time Vaults, brought a smile to his face.

**Ba-Da-Da-Dum!**

"Yep!"

"How!? We have no idea where or when he is! And unless we manage to find a TARDIS that's unregistered, we'll be caught immediately!"

**Ba-Da-Da-Dum!**

"We're not taking a TARDIS."

"Then what's the plan?"

**Ba-Da-Da-Dum!**

"We're going to break into the Omega Arsenal to politely ask a sentient super weapon to give us a ride."

"WHAT?!"

* * *

_**Ba-Da-Da-Dum!**_

_"Koschei?"_

_"Yes, Theta?"_

_"Why do you hate the founders of our society?"_

_"I don't hate the founders. I'm actually quite fond of The Other. I don't like Omega at all, but I do actually have some respect for him. It's only Rassilon I hate."_

_**Ba-Da-Da-Dum!**_

_"Ok. Why do you hate Rassilon?"_

_"It gives me life and he's a total dick."_

_"C'mon, give me the real reason!"_

_"I'll tell you when we're older."_


	3. The Master of Nerdiness

**Ba-Da-Da-Dum!**

"This is a terrible idea!"

Koschei stopped and turned around. "You're right."

"I am?"

"We can't just waltz in the Omega Arsenal with our faces exposed. We'll have to put on some disguises. C'mon Clara, to the Batcave!"

**Ba-Da-Da-Dum!**

* * *

_"Theta, Clara, this is where I recreate stuff from earth's fictional storys! I call this place the Batcave!"_

_"Why?"_

_"Because it automatically ups the coolness factor. Theta, catch!"_

_"What is this supposed to be, Hmm?_

**_Ba-Da-Da-Dum!_**

_"A Sonic cough*plot device*cough Screwdriver. It's to help you not get prematurely canceled. You're welcome."_

_"..."_

_"Clara, here."_

_**How to Cook for Dummies**_

_"This is to help you not prematurely cancel anyone with your cooking attempts. I almost regenerated from your last attempt."_

**_Ba-Da-Da-Dum!_**

_"KOSCHEI!"_

* * *

**Batcave**

**Ba-Da-Da-Dum!**

"Clara, here." Koschei threw her a case of Hoi-Poi Capsules. "Go home and pack your things. I doubt we'll be back anytime soon."

"Got it."

* * *

_"Your name's too long. I'm just gonna call you Clara 'cause we're totally gonna be BFFs and set Rassilon's Tomb on fire."_

_Clara gaped._

**_Ba-Da-Da-Dum!_**

* * *

"Sir, someone's broken into the Time Vault!"

"Again!?"

* * *

_"Now who can tell me one of Lord Rassilon's great achievements... Koschei?"_

_"He managed to get a rod the size of Gallifrey up his ass."_

**_BA-Da-DA-DuM!_**

* * *

**AN: Batcave-Batman**

**Hoi-Poi-Capsules-Dragon Ball**


End file.
